an extract from my diary, written a week back:
As my university exams are coming closer and closer, I find myself more and more pondering over things… I sat down to study and instead, I started thinking about the dynamics of relationships that have taken place in my life. Yes, the dynamics have changed, a lot.
When I was 14, I used to talk to my mom about non trivial things. Non trivial things were all that my life was made up of, back then. My elder sister, Neha was like my mother. She took care of me, told me everything I needed to know. Heard everything I needed to tell her. Dad was somewhere in the back ground. He's not a talkative person. Nor was I.
I was 16, my friends were everything to me, and my mom knew who my closest friends were (anvi and amu). Well, most of them, and then some. Even then, my sister was the one from whom I never kept a secret. But I never felt VERRY close to mom.
Till 18, it was the same. After 18, I started fighting with my mom.
We used to talk,
Over shower of love for two days.
Not on talking terms at all for two weeks.
Gradually start talking.
Cycle repeats. Dad was still hovering somewhere in the background. I was friends with Pooja. I told her a lot of things, but she and I weren't exactly compatible. We got irritated with each other a LOT!
There was this special person whose friendship had complete control on me. Let's call her "misty", as always. I still told my sis everything. Almost. My mom couldn’t even name who my friends were, other than pooja. I never told her ANYTHING. I kept to myself.
I was 19, sure that my fights with mom and thus dad weren't just because I was a cranky teenager. Because here I was, 19, almost out of teenage, and I was still fighting with mom. No, I thought they went far deeper. My mom was the one who was more childish. I was mature. It was like shahrukh's dialogue in chak de!, ek team me ek hi gunda ho sakta hai..is team ka gunda mai hu. And both of us fought for that position. We even fought over stupid things like when she tickled me and I shouted on her and we fought. I found myself getting into rude fights with her and I thought it was all her fault. Kumud became my friend, but at that time, I didn’t know her that well...
Meanwhile, my sister was undergoing weird transformations herself... She seemed more distant. It felt like she was always irritated with me. I told her very few things. I grew closer to dad. Not that I told him anything personal, but even when we talked about or enjoyed our most favorite things in the world, food, novels and football, I felt he kind of understood me on a different level.
Everyone says I am like him, and neha is like mom.
One day, after a fight with mom and neha, I found myself running to my dad, hugging him and crying like a baby and telling him what happened. And he patted my shoulder and said "hmmm" and took my side in the discussion with them that followed. I felt so good. This was another thing happening. Partiality and sides. My granny always took my side, and my mom always took neha's. This divide went on becoming wider. My dad was mostly neutral. I thought they hated me, mom and neha, the way they behaved. Never including me in conversations or taking me shopping, Always plotting against me. I was sure my mom must be the most partial mom in the world. No, I wasn’t bothered, I never cried, but I hated the fact that they could be so mean. It all seems so childish now! :)
I am 20, well 20 and half, but recently, a lot of changes have taken place. My mom still loves listening to neha talk whenever she is home (earlier I used to count this as partiality). We all do. She talks in a way that makes you wanna listen. But as I said I was never the talkative one. And there was a time I felt angry that she loves neha so much, why not me? Well it's been almost a year; I haven't fought with mom (maybe a few arguments, but no big fights!)I still can’t express myself clearly in words, but I write. I can write. Dad sometimes takes my side strongly. There are things about me that he understands but mom, neha and even granny doesn’t. Like giving your vehicle to friends who need it, who can’t even drive properly and who will probably return it after meeting with an accident!! :)
Oh and yeah, that certain someone was never out of my life, but maybe now it's time.
Friends still mean a lot! Manisha, Asmita, Kumud. I can tell Kumud almost everything. And I never hate her!! Not even get irritated, that's almost abnormal…! Me not getting irritated with a person ever!! I even get irritated on myself and I know I am not a person who loves or hates, I know good and bad points of everyone, and accept them. But it's weird, maybe Kumud is my perfect friend(or maybe she is abnormal… I mean how come I don’t get irritated with her EVER??), the one who was meant to be my BFF, I wasn’t even sure something like that even exists (PERFECT FRIEND)!! But now I am. Even she never gets irritated with me and that saying a lot (or maybe she does, but never says it...)!!
Coz I AM NOT A PERSON WITH WHOM U CAN STAY WITHOUT BEING IRRITATED FOR LONG. But Kumud must have a real tolerant nature, if she tolerates me!!
Hey, recently something BIG happened, I found myself alone with mom, obviously I wasn’t going to tell her, but I found myself doing exactly that!!!
I had told that ONLY to Kumud and here I was telling mom!! AND it wasn’t "mom material"!! Still her reaction was so good, almost like she... I don’t know, I was so thankful that I told her..I felt so relieved.. Of course she then told granny and neha.
I had to hear a patronizing speech from my granny and neha's ever-superior remarks... I told neha to shut up and not to give any comments that were not welcome. I hated the way she went on about this particular thing. BUT, today, I told her everything, she tried to explain it to me in a sort of kind way that whatever was happening was good for me. And I tried to make her understand how I felt. And she almost understood.
Bottom-line: I WAS a stupid cranky teen who extended her teenage to twenteen so that she could be cranky for a few more months!!
#I am at very good terms with mom. I love her. She loves me and even takes my side these days.
#Me and dad being the kind of people we are, (read non talkative and a bit reserved, except when with friends), we are on pretty good terms too. We go running and walking every evening. We don’t feel the need to talk. Both of us are extremely comfortable with silence.
#I think my sis will soon be my BFF, guide, mentor, in the same way she always was.
#Kumud is my perfect friend.
#currently, the special someone is not in my life. I am not sure about this matter. And I don’t want to think about it now.
#during all these years, from when I was BORN till now, my granny has been a STRONG IRON support for me, defending me in every way possible, loving me beyond everything in this world. And I love her too. I always told her what I thought was granny material at every time, that includes A LOT of things. I am so thankful that God gave her to me, she is the best!!
I am really thankful that through whatever course of events, ultimately, it's all come to
An Almost Happy Ending. And Thank GOD for Manisha, who is an angel and my stress buster, with her calm voice and awesome reassurances; Asmita, for being that friend who is crazy and loves everything crazy that you do. Fun-loving and careless, like I am sometimes... (She is also super clumsy n super careless like me). And Kumud, for being, well, Kumud!
My family, that special someone, who has changed me for good and given me a lot, beyond what words can express!!!! My doggies. Ronnie, who passed away, but was a babe. It still doesn’t sink in that he is gone. And sherry, my mucky pumpkin (!!), who brings joy everyday to my life!!
Thankful to everybody in my life, good or bad, for just being there and making it so colorful.
I KNOW, this sounds like a speech, maybe like the one someone would give if they knew they were gonna die tomorrow,(ha ha ha ha), but it's just that I know that you should leave no stone unturned to let your loved ones know how much you love them.