October 19, 2010

FeElInG BlUe!!!!


Mostly refers to sad or depressed.

Phrases. Feeling blue. The blues. Blue also means spending in a reckless way.

There are also some good references… I will shed some light on that later. But mostly, people associate the color blue with sadness.

I tend to disagree. I like blue. I think it's a pretty happy color.

My mom doesn’t approve of all my bed sheets and curtains and towels being blue(4years back, I was obsessed with everything being pink, that didn’t last for more than a year, I am not exactly the girly types ).

No, it's not my favorite color, blue. That’s black and white, and then red. I like colors. All colors. So why do people like my mom don’t like blue linen???

I cant figure that out. My mom says jokingly, it makes her feel blue…

It doesn’t make me feel so though.

The few positive points related to blue are,

Blueprint: something which acts as a plan.

Blue-blooded: noble blood.

blue-chip: reliable investment

Bluestocking: intellectual or literary woman.

Blue ribbon: given to the winner of a competition.

In a place like wardha, where the sun blisters down on us all through the day, my room's window lets in a lot of sunlight, a bit too much at that. i don’t mind sunlight, I love a nice sunny day in winter, but in summer and rainy season, the sun is not your fav thing in the world, nor is sunlight. This is where my blue curtains come in. they block the irritating light and heat nicely enough, letting the light in, only in required amounts. As for my bed sheets and towels being blue, I can give only one possible explanation, they go with the curtains…

then again, does there exist even a single person in this world who didn’t love painting the beautiful azure sky with the blue crayon when they were small? I don’t think so. There is another reason for me liking blue so much these days and it's my mom's own fault.

When it comes to flowers, there is nothing that amuses me and amazes me as blue colored flowers do. My favorite are roses and orchids, pink and white and blue. But they don’t amaze me(except blue orchids), I just love them.

A year back, my mom went to the nursery(she weaves out and into gardening as her hobby), and she asked for a plant that blossoms all through the year and spreads a lot. When in wardha, no amount of greenery feels more than enough. They gave her this creeper, that spreads a lot and blossoms most of the seasons. she brought five of them and placed them in different places, giving support on which they could grow, these creepers don’t grow roots along the stem, to hold onto surfaces. they just have tendrils that they wrap around everything available.

So, after two weeks I think, I was in the garden and I saw this little blue baby flower on the lush green fleshy creeper, and I fell in love with it. It made me so happy to see these few flowers bloom everyday(though they withered and fell in the evening, new ones came up everyday.) soon the creeper started spreading, mom helped it in everyway possible, tying wires everywhere, so that they could cover more space. it was the rainy season, it stopped blooming and spread out a lot, it covered all the tree tops in our garden, it reached the first floor balcony and so on. The rain stopped and it was sunny for a few days.

One morning I got up and saw outta the gallery window, lush green everywhere, wedged in between its fleshy fresh looking green, were tiny spots of blue.

They were so many! I never saw more than ten, I guess and here were a hundred lil blue flowers in front of my eyes, the beauty of it was so breath-taking, I stood rooted to the spot for a few minutes. Then I ran down to mom" mamma, did u see the flowers? Blue everywhere. It's soooo beautiful!!!" I gushed. My mom just seemed smug and proud, she smiled and said, "isn't it?"

I never get tired of taking their pictures. I keep taking them, thinking every time, this one is better than the last.

Now everyday I wake up and see these thousands of little blue beauties in the morning, I feel a happiness brimming inside me, a ray of gold in the gray of night, and I feel how can anyone even think blue means sad???

October 07, 2010

The story of a journey(poem)

this is a poem i wrote. ok, i didnt write it with my imagination, i had this dream. so i got up n since i hardly ever remember dreams, thought of writing it down... after a few mins i realised i was thinking along writing it down as a poem and that's what i did... wrote a poem..

I was walking along a path,

With lush green trees and wild blooming flowers on the side,

It was all so beautiful,

A place where there was nothing nature denied,

I wished to stop and admire but I had to go on…

I was running, I had to find it,

That’s when I saw a blossom so breath-taking,

A huge light pink playing in the shades, with all the colors you could imagine,

Just to touch it, the buttery texture, the delicate petals, my hands were aching…

I extended my hand forward; I felt it slipping out of reach,

My legs were still moving I saw; I heard myself screech…

With a sinking feeling I realized I had to go on searching,

And my legs won’t stop even if I wanted to,

‘But what is it that I am searching…?’ I wondered,

With dread I realized I didn’t know, still I had to go on that much I knew,

I could hear the gentle twinkling of a near-by brook,

The sweet damp smell of the earth and the forest made it harder for me to want to go on,

It wasn’t good enough though, not wanting to go on, for all I cared my legs were still treading on…

Everything was so mesmerizing, It felt agonizing to even look…

I came to a few bifurcations along the path,

It didn’t really matter which I chose, I knew I was going to end up at the same place…

I kept on walking…the trail ended,

I could see the sun setting along the horizon, a tangerine haze.

That’s when I saw it: a white structure so intimidating, yet so beautiful, so grandiose and grotesque,

There was no way to describe it without being paradoxical,

As I stood there, taking it in, willing myself to believe it was there,

I saw a silhouette on the veranda, against the blushing heavens,

A figure so chiseled, so perfect, I vowed it couldn’t be alive, just as it moved, I could only stare.

As our eyes locked, I knew it was worth it,

Worth missing the scintillating beauty of the forest, the serene rivulet, the exuberant path on which I couldn’t stop.

I was enslaved, I knew.

And I waited, waited for it to be what it should have been, for me to be addicted the way I was dying to be….

Changing Dynamics Of Relationships..

an extract from my diary, written a week back:

As my university exams are coming closer and closer, I find myself more and more pondering over things… I sat down to study and instead, I started thinking about the dynamics of relationships that have taken place in my life. Yes, the dynamics have changed, a lot.

When I was 14, I used to talk to my mom about non trivial things. Non trivial things were all that my life was made up of, back then. My elder sister, Neha was like my mother. She took care of me, told me everything I needed to know. Heard everything I needed to tell her. Dad was somewhere in the back ground. He's not a talkative person. Nor was I.

I was 16, my friends were everything to me, and my mom knew who my closest friends were (anvi and amu). Well, most of them, and then some. Even then, my sister was the one from whom I never kept a secret. But I never felt VERRY close to mom.

Till 18, it was the same. After 18, I started fighting with my mom.

We used to talk,

Over shower of love for two days.


Not on talking terms at all for two weeks.

Gradually start talking.

Over love.


Cycle repeats. Dad was still hovering somewhere in the background. I was friends with Pooja. I told her a lot of things, but she and I weren't exactly compatible. We got irritated with each other a LOT!

There was this special person whose friendship had complete control on me. Let's call her "misty", as always. I still told my sis everything. Almost. My mom couldn’t even name who my friends were, other than pooja. I never told her ANYTHING. I kept to myself.

I was 19, sure that my fights with mom and thus dad weren't just because I was a cranky teenager. Because here I was, 19, almost out of teenage, and I was still fighting with mom. No, I thought they went far deeper. My mom was the one who was more childish. I was mature. It was like shahrukh's dialogue in chak de!, ek team me ek hi gunda ho sakta hai..is team ka gunda mai hu. And both of us fought for that position. We even fought over stupid things like when she tickled me and I shouted on her and we fought. I found myself getting into rude fights with her and I thought it was all her fault. Kumud became my friend, but at that time, I didn’t know her that well...

Meanwhile, my sister was undergoing weird transformations herself... She seemed more distant. It felt like she was always irritated with me. I told her very few things. I grew closer to dad. Not that I told him anything personal, but even when we talked about or enjoyed our most favorite things in the world, food, novels and football, I felt he kind of understood me on a different level.

Everyone says I am like him, and neha is like mom.

One day, after a fight with mom and neha, I found myself running to my dad, hugging him and crying like a baby and telling him what happened. And he patted my shoulder and said "hmmm" and took my side in the discussion with them that followed. I felt so good. This was another thing happening. Partiality and sides. My granny always took my side, and my mom always took neha's. This divide went on becoming wider. My dad was mostly neutral. I thought they hated me, mom and neha, the way they behaved. Never including me in conversations or taking me shopping, Always plotting against me. I was sure my mom must be the most partial mom in the world. No, I wasn’t bothered, I never cried, but I hated the fact that they could be so mean. It all seems so childish now! :)

I am 20, well 20 and half, but recently, a lot of changes have taken place. My mom still loves listening to neha talk whenever she is home (earlier I used to count this as partiality). We all do. She talks in a way that makes you wanna listen. But as I said I was never the talkative one. And there was a time I felt angry that she loves neha so much, why not me? Well it's been almost a year; I haven't fought with mom (maybe a few arguments, but no big fights!)I still can’t express myself clearly in words, but I write. I can write. Dad sometimes takes my side strongly. There are things about me that he understands but mom, neha and even granny doesn’t. Like giving your vehicle to friends who need it, who can’t even drive properly and who will probably return it after meeting with an accident!! :)

Oh and yeah, that certain someone was never out of my life, but maybe now it's time.

Friends still mean a lot! Manisha, Asmita, Kumud. I can tell Kumud almost everything. And I never hate her!! Not even get irritated, that's almost abnormal…! Me not getting irritated with a person ever!! I even get irritated on myself and I know I am not a person who loves or hates, I know good and bad points of everyone, and accept them. But it's weird, maybe Kumud is my perfect friend(or maybe she is abnormal… I mean how come I don’t get irritated with her EVER??), the one who was meant to be my BFF, I wasn’t even sure something like that even exists (PERFECT FRIEND)!! But now I am. Even she never gets irritated with me and that saying a lot (or maybe she does, but never says it...)!!

Coz I AM NOT A PERSON WITH WHOM U CAN STAY WITHOUT BEING IRRITATED FOR LONG. But Kumud must have a real tolerant nature, if she tolerates me!!

Hey, recently something BIG happened, I found myself alone with mom, obviously I wasn’t going to tell her, but I found myself doing exactly that!!!

I had told that ONLY to Kumud and here I was telling mom!! AND it wasn’t "mom material"!! Still her reaction was so good, almost like she... I don’t know, I was so thankful that I told her..I felt so relieved.. Of course she then told granny and neha.

I had to hear a patronizing speech from my granny and neha's ever-superior remarks... I told neha to shut up and not to give any comments that were not welcome. I hated the way she went on about this particular thing. BUT, today, I told her everything, she tried to explain it to me in a sort of kind way that whatever was happening was good for me. And I tried to make her understand how I felt. And she almost understood.

Bottom-line: I WAS a stupid cranky teen who extended her teenage to twenteen so that she could be cranky for a few more months!!

#I am at very good terms with mom. I love her. She loves me and even takes my side these days.

#Me and dad being the kind of people we are, (read non talkative and a bit reserved, except when with friends), we are on pretty good terms too. We go running and walking every evening. We don’t feel the need to talk. Both of us are extremely comfortable with silence.

#I think my sis will soon be my BFF, guide, mentor, in the same way she always was.

#Kumud is my perfect friend.

#currently, the special someone is not in my life. I am not sure about this matter. And I don’t want to think about it now.

#during all these years, from when I was BORN till now, my granny has been a STRONG IRON support for me, defending me in every way possible, loving me beyond everything in this world. And I love her too. I always told her what I thought was granny material at every time, that includes A LOT of things. I am so thankful that God gave her to me, she is the best!!

I am really thankful that through whatever course of events, ultimately, it's all come to

An Almost Happy Ending. And Thank GOD for Manisha, who is an angel and my stress buster, with her calm voice and awesome reassurances; Asmita, for being that friend who is crazy and loves everything crazy that you do. Fun-loving and careless, like I am sometimes... (She is also super clumsy n super careless like me). And Kumud, for being, well, Kumud!

My family, that special someone, who has changed me for good and given me a lot, beyond what words can express!!!! My doggies. Ronnie, who passed away, but was a babe. It still doesn’t sink in that he is gone. And sherry, my mucky pumpkin (!!), who brings joy everyday to my life!!

Thankful to everybody in my life, good or bad, for just being there and making it so colorful.

I KNOW, this sounds like a speech, maybe like the one someone would give if they knew they were gonna die tomorrow,(ha ha ha ha), but it's just that I know that you should leave no stone unturned to let your loved ones know how much you love them.

October 03, 2010


After desperately waiting for a chance to watch this movie" AIShA...", i finally did watch it a week back...
now lemme tell you why i was soooo eager to watch  this movie..
because my mom, kumud, etc told me that the character of aisha was like me... so i had to watch it..
this movie is based on the english classic "emma"..
the movie wasnt so good actually.. but it had sonam kapoor, abhay deol, girly stuff, lots of good clothes and places, so, that kind of made up for the stupidity of the movie..
yes and no,.. things my mom pointed out, like she keeps changing her hobbies..
painting(i think she sketched...i sketch ok.. but i am a horrible painter),
match making(i did a lot earlier, now i indulge in this only when i am ASKED for help..),
atc(im a member of pfa, but m v.lazy.. n she thinks about leaving non-veg, but i already did)..
i dont exactly change my hobbies...i just have too many, and choose any one of them for a certain time..
and does she read ..? i dont think so.. whereas i read a LOTT..!!
 alright, and i like this the best..
in the first five minutes of the movie itself .when she is introducing everybody, she has this to say about her elder sister: this is my sister..,n thats her husband... school se leke ab tak ek hi boyfriend and shaadi bhi usi se.... how boring na..?
this is almost exactly what i had said to my sister a few months back... hehehe :)
she jogs n all....
i dont.. n i did run today(an exception) not with some arjun... but with my dad...
she loveesss shopping!!!!!! so do i!!!!
n she thinks she knows what she wants... but doesnt...but i know what i want.. she is also a lil bit blind when it comes to her friends n whom they are bound to end up with.. i am not!!
and yeah maybe i am a bit interfering and manipulative like her, but i am not blind!! i help people only with what people want, but dont have the guts to pursue it..
so hey, the character of aisha may have some traits as me,... BUT, aisha is no rutuja... !!!

October 01, 2010

rutz: predictable or not???

i know... these days i am writing a bit too frequently..(reason: exam dates coming closer...)
and i know my friend A has specially asked to correct my mistake , the fact that i thought she was with or was talking to her prince charming the day i needed all3 of them... welll, the truth was she wasnt well.. and i dint know that when i wrote that particular post.. so there you go asss, i m accepting the fact that u didnt leave in times of need, but u were not well yourself..!


 so anyway,  i was wondering how one day, i like a particular thing a LOTT and hate something else SOO MUCHH.. and a few months, and im changing their groups...
for example, a few years back, i had an unbelievable repulsion for anything shiny, sparkly or flashy. be it a stud on the footwear, a sparly shimmery dress, even a button which had a little bit of sparkle or metal, i hated it all, i called everything falling into this category as "cheap" and "L.S."
so then i dunno, one day mom and i went to shop for some footwear for me, and she was specifically pointing out to the guy who takes out the shoes; all things, not shiny, not sparkly.. as she had been doing for the last few years.. and she asked me if i liked something,
and i was like this is ok, good for everyday wear, that is too ugly,
 finally i spotted a pair of heels-yes, SHINY, yes- SPARKLY. and it was COPPER coloured.. and my mom was like laughing in amusement, thinking, i was pointing out that pair as a joke, and she went, AS IF U WOULD EVER WEAR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
 i told her i wanted it for real.. so she looked confused and said. but you hate sparkle and shimmer. i said yes, but mostly i find myself going to functions like weddings and college functions( not that i attend much weddings.but my cousin's wedding was coming up..) and i find myself looking plain. i didnt mind at first, when people used to ask why have u turned up so simple?? i never mind, coz i dont give a damn.. but sometimes i feel so myself... that a little bit sparkle wouldnt hurt.
when we went up to the counter to pay,she asked once again are you really buying that, or will you come to change it tomorrow...? i gave her an incredulous look. after coming home my mom told my sister, my gran , the neighbours and everyone else she found.. !!

Then i have been a vegetarian almost all my life( except wen i used to eat fried chicken for some 3years) and for the last seven years i have been a pure vegetarian..( except twice when my sister's and my snacks got exchanged by mistake and i had to puke it out..)
so the other day, u know after i had that big issue which made me feel all devastated, mom had made some really good fried fish...i know it was good because i ate it...for the first time in years!!and not just a lil morsel, two big peices of fish..!! even when i was a non vegetarian, i never used to like fish...never ate it.. and here i was liking fish!!
so i thought i was now eating non veg in protest of my life being unfair. therefore i told dad to bring chicken tikka the next day( this being the very dish which made it so hard for me to leave eating chicken) and he brought, and i ate and it was........YYUUKKK!!!
i dunno i could taste that yukky juice that came out of fish, chicken, anything non-veg
and i knew at that very second, i cant start eating non-veg...
not even in protest of my unfair life..
still, i ate non-veg twice....
willingly, not force fed by my mom or dad or neha( granny is a vegetarian and supports my being a vegetarian too)... anyway, it could be considered a deviation from the expected, from the obvious right...??...
so am i predictable or not??
i mean evertime i text my friends when i lose things, "i lost my notebook" or cellphone or pendrive and find it after a few minutes or hours or days and text them that "i have found it,and not to bother searching", thats when they text back saying,"i knew it, i never bothered, thought u must have been careless as usual and u will graduly find it..ur so predictable"

and when i enter the kitchen and something falls, everyone thinks i made it fall...(mostly its the truth)
or when a certain appliance stops working(including camera, lappy, microwave anything for that matter), they dont even say it, they know its because of me...
they go like...why did u have to ruin this??(painful face)
or how could u ruin THIS, wat did u do??(unbelieving face)
and they BELIEVE it more than anything, no matter how hard i try to convince them otherwise...

so yea, other than being clumsy and careless.. i am not really predictable, am i?
i mean i do deviate from the obvious like i said..
or am i not??
or am i???